Today 8 years ago I sat in an ultrasound room waiting for the technician to show my husband the twins that I thought were growing happily in my tummy. I remember silence, the machine being turned on & off...silence...no heartbeats, no movement like that last time...perhaps they were sleeping...
"What's the matter?"
"I'm sorry you will have to talk to your Dr"
"No. I want to know NOW"
"I'm sorry, they have died"
"What one of them? ONE has died?"
"No, both of them"
Tears, shock, numb, D's white face, silence, uncomfortable phone calls in the waiting room, then the drive home full of questions...
Only 5 weeks ago I'd been here & the same technician had said "There's the two little heads"
"Didn't you know you were having twins?"
I was so excited - this was our first pregnancy & I was just expecting the same fairytale as everyone, everything will go smoothly, everything will be OK. I didn't realise so many things can go wrong, I didn't realise that my own body would betray me & attack my own babies, I didn't realise I'd be in a labour ward delivering my children who had died with no idea about labour because I hadn't even made it to the birth classes yet...
I had been alone at the previous ultrasound in shock so I had dragged D along for this one, never dreaming in a million years that it would be so horrific. I remember coming home & having to phone everyone. We had finally started telling people we were pregnant, then we were telling people it was twins, now I had to call people & tell them the little ones had died.
All these scenes kept flashing through my mind. The parent who had said "Ooo, you aren't very BIG for twins". Or people who said "Have you felt them kicking? You should be able to feel them by now surely?" Well, I didn't know what was normal & wasn't - it was my first pregnancy...I had no inkling...and now there was a desperate search to find out more about child loss, find out what happened next, could I have children, is there any certainty...I cried & cried, I prayed & sobbed & cuddled the few things we had that would belong to them, I booked into the hospital, I spoke to my Obstetrician who was so lovely...
How I will always miss you little ones, little ~Max & Lucy~. I often wonder what you would be like - but we wouldn't have Bonnie & Eric if you were here would we? But they know you were my firstborns. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had been able to do something to help you but you were visitors weren't you. It's Mothers Day in a week & I wish I could enfold you in my arms. But you are in a beautiful place I know. I hope that I will meet you one day, but for now I know you went to sleep in my womb & woke up in an amazing place - full of love & joy, perhaps surrounded by many other little ones. I wish I could blow you some kisses that would reach you... XX XX