Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Read an article yesterday in Open Doors & was fascinated by this beautiful sculpture. I sat crying big weepy tears reading about the families in Beslan & remembering when this happened. By the end I had to go & give Eric some hugs. Some of the photos of the children are so haunting...
When children die it's such an affront to our senses. A life cut so very short...
We live in this world though - so much beauty & art & joy & love...but it is contrasted by darkness & hate & death & hate at times.
Sigh...if I dwell on things like that too much I feel so sad. It was never meant to be that way. But next to me my son plays with a puzzle on the floor. There is so much concentration & joy in his face. And so we live, & we live the best way we can, hoping for justice one day & realising that this side of heaven there will always be pain...
Gee, that was a little deep for a Tuesday morning.
Monday, May 26, 2008
"There's always so much cleaning to be done by everyone.
Cleaning, cleaning there's always so much cleaning to be done to be done..."
They are some of the words in a song on an ABC Kids album that my kids listen to. So true.
I would rather be doing art.
I've been sick with the flu all weekend. But poor old Mum can't go to bed because there are dishes to wash, washing to wash, clothes to iron, food to cook...sigh.
Going to reorganise the kids area now after reading some of The Creative Family by Amanda Soule. Also been looking at Karin's site & want to do something ARTY. Woo hoo...but first I'll be scrubbing the old puff paint off the slate...up up & away...
My wonderful encouraging friend in Florida sent me one of these...
So very meaningful.
When D & I went to Quest for the cancer week this was what I wrote on our prayer flag. They are put up outside & our thoughts/prayers slowly "dissolve" in the wind over time...
Friday, May 23, 2008
Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot eat away peace
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the spirit
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection
by Don Richardson
Well, I spoke at James & Michelle's "Biggest Morning Tea" & survived without bawling my eyes out or passing out with nerves. Who'd have thought that less than a year after D's BMT I'd be encouraging others with ideas to help their own battles with cancer - or show how to encourage others!!?? Phew. Today David is +315. I never thought this far ahead...
Roll on the weekend, I'm exhausted.
I took Eric to visit Preschool today because there was a "visiting farm" & while I was waiting I had to return a late book to the Library. (Shock horror - I HATE being late with a book!!) Anyway, the book I suggested they buy was in - already. Amanda Soule's The Creative Family had arrived. Talk about making my day!!!!!! Can wait to get my teeth into it over the weekend.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Yesterday the mothers & nannas were invited up to school (just in the Infants section) to visit classes & participate in some crafty things & a lovely morning tea with CAKE & CAFFINE - how could I refuse?? What a lovely Mothers Day morning. D's mum came up too & it was lovely to see Bonnie - who wasn't 100% really, but wanted to go. Tried to keep her home today too - "But I've got GYM today Mum". Who'd have thought my daughter was trying to NOT get out of gym!! Sigh...
(Yesterday 8 years ago Max & Lucy were delivered so it was bittersweet to now be having morning tea with them there too...they would have been so sweet I know. Another mother was there who is about to give birthday to twins any day now...)
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Today 8 years ago I sat in an ultrasound room waiting for the technician to show my husband the twins that I thought were growing happily in my tummy. I remember silence, the machine being turned on & off...silence...no heartbeats, no movement like that last time...perhaps they were sleeping...
"What's the matter?"
"I'm sorry you will have to talk to your Dr"
"No. I want to know NOW"
"I'm sorry, they have died"
"What one of them? ONE has died?"
"No, both of them"
Tears, shock, numb, D's white face, silence, uncomfortable phone calls in the waiting room, then the drive home full of questions...
Only 5 weeks ago I'd been here & the same technician had said "There's the two little heads"
"Didn't you know you were having twins?"
I was so excited - this was our first pregnancy & I was just expecting the same fairytale as everyone, everything will go smoothly, everything will be OK. I didn't realise so many things can go wrong, I didn't realise that my own body would betray me & attack my own babies, I didn't realise I'd be in a labour ward delivering my children who had died with no idea about labour because I hadn't even made it to the birth classes yet...
I had been alone at the previous ultrasound in shock so I had dragged D along for this one, never dreaming in a million years that it would be so horrific. I remember coming home & having to phone everyone. We had finally started telling people we were pregnant, then we were telling people it was twins, now I had to call people & tell them the little ones had died.
All these scenes kept flashing through my mind. The parent who had said "Ooo, you aren't very BIG for twins". Or people who said "Have you felt them kicking? You should be able to feel them by now surely?" Well, I didn't know what was normal & wasn't - it was my first pregnancy...I had no inkling...and now there was a desperate search to find out more about child loss, find out what happened next, could I have children, is there any certainty...I cried & cried, I prayed & sobbed & cuddled the few things we had that would belong to them, I booked into the hospital, I spoke to my Obstetrician who was so lovely...
How I will always miss you little ones, little ~Max & Lucy~. I often wonder what you would be like - but we wouldn't have Bonnie & Eric if you were here would we? But they know you were my firstborns. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had been able to do something to help you but you were visitors weren't you. It's Mothers Day in a week & I wish I could enfold you in my arms. But you are in a beautiful place I know. I hope that I will meet you one day, but for now I know you went to sleep in my womb & woke up in an amazing place - full of love & joy, perhaps surrounded by many other little ones. I wish I could blow you some kisses that would reach you... XX XX