C.S. Lewis

A quote I was sent today:

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

One of my oldest & dearest friends sent me an email this morning asking me to pray for them.

Her husband was in Liverpool ICU with suspected Meningococcal Meningitis.

My heart broke & I thought this is how people must have felt last year when I told them that David had Leukaemia. Helpless. Sad. Shocked. Prayerful. 

Tonight news came through that he was responding to the drugs. 

What a relief...though it's serious & he's in isolation. 

We are all so fragile.

David got home from a bike ride with Eric last night & hoiked up his lunch all over the front garden. This is not the body of a healthy man yet. But he is trying sooooo hard to get some fitness back. I think Pilates is much better. I stagger around after gym sessions...so I understand. 

I took Bonnie to a birthday party this afternoon. Near me sat a Dad who survived cancer too. The birthday girl's mum spoke about her own Dad going for a walk one night & being killed - she was only 13. I don't know what's worse. Watching your father die, or never getting the chance to say goodbye? She also had a lovely downs syndrome son - who they were told to abort. Yet he is so precious to them. He kept pinching Bon's food when she wasn't looking which was quite funny...it reminded me that we all have our journey, & we are all walking along our own road, trying to encourage each other as best we can. Surely no-one can escape suffering?

Before I left a parent/teacher grabbed me by the hand & said how much she would miss D as Principal. I choked up & she choked up. Despite the fact that he's not in 100% of health, I think we are all going to miss him in that role. We feel like the rug has been  pulled out from under us...can't get our heads around it all...yet here's to 2009. We all face it together! My husband is alive, my children are well & we love each other so much. I know that the $$ will be tight - but surely we can make it through this coming year. We got through 2007, 2008 - surely we can do 2009?

C.S. Lewis - a brilliant man. Also a man that was no stranger to suffering himself so he doesn't write from some perfect ivory tower. Life certainly can be painful, yet I firmly believe that in the end there will be answers. 

You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry...

Christmas photos at the local mall...come on, sing along...Went to pick up the pic today & low & behold, it was a lovely photo of the kids. In the past Eric has been screaming & Miss Bonnie looking stunned, but that's half the fun I say. But the lady ahead of us had to have THE perfect photo. Her little girl was NOT going to be happy in the photo & was determined to keep away from the big scary man in red. I would have just said "take the photo tears & all" & have in the past because it's fun to look back on those pics...I don't understand how people have to have a perfect picture during something totally unatural. How often do we plonk our kids on a strange mans lap & expect them to be really happy not to be safe in our arms??

Anyway, here's my daughter - the little sharkette who has lost 8 teeth & is regrowing them, &  my son in his favourite "spiderman" t-shirt doing his cheekiest grin!! And a little worse for wear Santa looking like he needs a good stiff drink?

What a blessing these two are to me. I'm looking forward to Christmas with D's parents. It's not been a happy end to the year, but we have much hope for 2009. Here's to good improving health for us all...

...&  the ability to work...

Advent Conspiracy!

Check it out!!

Bonnie & Eric

Well. Here are the promised photos. 

This is Bonnie getting her merit award from Daddy (when he was the Principal). The last merit award she will ever get with Daddy in that role at school. I think it's for neatness or something very "girly" like that. She has inherited some of my artistic genes I think? She loves her work neat & organised. I don't think Eric will be like that at all. If only her BEDROOM was a little more neat & organised??

This is Eric the night after the crash into the step splitting near his eyebrow. We are currently trying to rub lots of Vitamin E cream into it to try to help the scar. Perhaps when he's older it will be a "sexy scar" that he can show his wife. ("Oh yeah, I did that when I was 4 1/2 tripping into a step in my Prep uniform.") Hopefully there won't be too many scars...but life is full of the sort of things that gives us scars - not just on our skin either!  

Bah Humbug!

I let Bonnie play with her art things - there are bits of glitter from one end of the house to the other! Harrumph!!

Yesterday was a busy day - Eric had his final day of Preschool (after the Thursday concert) & Mummy was emotional. Daddy came to take some photos & then we went off for some special Bonnie time - we got haircuts (not D, just the girls),  then we went to Gloria Jeans for some caffine & milkshakes. We went to look at the bike we want to get her for Christmas at the local bike shop. She is growing up! Dad went off to his end of year staff luncheon & I had promised Miss Bon a "Happy Meal". I don't know what's so happy about it, but I guess I didn't have to prepare it & it was something she wanted. It was just so wet & miserable for our "Mummy/Daughter Day" I promised we'd try again on a nice sunny day & have a picnic or something like that. 

 

It's been a week of much angst, more tears, late night talks with, (I actually got to bed before MIDNIGHT last night - wonderful to sleep), & phone calls & meetings as D tried to sort out a work position for 2009. Because this is a public Blog I can't pour my heart out here...not about what's gone on anyway. But after months of angst something is sorted. I feel so hurt & disappointed by all that's happened though. We had some dear of friends (who are a part of the Healing Ministry in the city - connected to St Andrews) come around to pray for us this week. He had been through such similar situations at his work (another school) it was so perfect for D to hear someone who has been there & able to give wise advice & encourage us. Still, we feel so emotionally & physically exhausted. It's been such a rollercoaster...I thought nothing could be as bad as last year watching my husband fight cancer. At least you know your "enemy" with that. There is a cancer & you have to beat it to live. It was quite definite & there were clear protocols to follow. How to you battle lies & misinformation being spread around? What happens when you try to tell the truth & people have formed an opinion before you've spoken & do not accept your words? It has been devastating to watch. I've never been through anything like it in my life. Yet I am so proud of D - a lesser man would have crumpled, or yelled abuse, or left...yet he still cares for his workplace & wants to be a part of it. For 2009 anyway. I am so proud of him my heart could just burst. Most people will NEVER know the full extent of what he has faced over the last term. But the few who do have been so encouraging to us. Life will go on...with forgiveness...but it's very hard to forgive at the moment. I know that I can't do it on my own, in my own strength - praying that I can be a part of that school & learn to forgive. I've seen people getting bitter & twisted (& ill)  in their unforgiveness. I don't want that. For the sake of my children - who will both be at this school in '09 - I have to "suck it up" & move forward. I don't know what is ahead but at least we will have money in the bank for another 12 months. Can we not have a QUIET year this coming year - drama free? Is THAT possible at all?? I'm putting in my request for a healthy, easy year!!

I'm going to look for P/T work too...overwhelmed by that thought!

Trying to get organised to go away to spend Christmas with the in-laws...

Just so tired at the moment...bah humbug!!

The Aussie Teenage Boy!!

This is a link to a song that pretty well sums up some Aussie boys. Very like many students I have taught...

Sort of, Dunno, Nothin'

Helped at the Preschool Christmas Party today!

Far out those Preschool staff work hard! I swept floors, fed kids, helped little ones, served food, washed up, wiped spills, cuddled, chopped fruit, snuck chicken nuggets & pizza for myself too...phew. What a busy busy BUSY - did I say BUSY - day!! I tried not to cramp Mr Independant's style too much. He'd look up & roll his eyes & say "Oh, mum is STILL here!!" LOL. 

If I see one more piece of Christmas glitter confetti on the floor I'm gonna scream though...it was great to take my mind off the crap week we've all had here. 

Started an amazing book called The Heavenly Man. I'll write more about it in another post. 

This is how I feel today...

...devastated...

Sensing a theme here?

The cleaning is slowing down a bit...I'm off to the gym to burn off some more steam actually...yesterday I also enjoyed savagely ripping weeds out of my garden. There's nothing like getting your hands dirty when you need "thinking time". 

Still cleaning...

Actually, not as much as yesterday. I think I did about 8 baskets of laundry...now if only I looked this sexy while I cleaned...

Anxious

Feeling pretty anxious at the moment. So of course am in the middle of a cleaning FRENZY...can't stop, need to go vacuum now...

Profound

I've just finished reading to my kids. We tried to do the "normal" bedtime routine because last night I just put the kids in bed & the next thing I knew when I'd made a cuppa & finally sat down for a break I heard a little noise & realised my son had dragged his pillow out of his room & was hiding right next to the lounge room watching my M rated DVD (Band of Brothers) from the hallway...

"Eric what are you doing up?"

"I need to be near you mummy!"

What do I say to that? Of course I had to go & read to him & snuggle. It is pure joy of course, but it always makes me smile that he is such a creature of routine...

Anyhoo, I was skipping through some of blogs I like to visit from time to time & came across this amazing post called "What does the damage?".

I'm putting it here because I found these thoughts so profound - especially since I had just read "The Good Samaritan" with the kids...the words of Jesus still ring so true today. I wonder if I would be brave enough to pull over to help someone? 

I did pick up a lady recently who was trudging, upset through the rain. 

My kids said "Why are we stopping to pick her up Mummy? Do we know her?"

"No sweeties, but if I was out there I'd hope someone would stop to help me!" [I didn't add "Preferably not some psychopathic killer intent on having me as his next victim." This is something that unfortunately always comes to mind though.]

I hope that some of these lessons help them learn more about life. I hope that they will grow into generous loving people. I'm certainly no Angelina Jolie but I can do what I can & try to keep my heart open to these opportunities? I know I am too trusting, but I try to hope for the best in people. It breaks my heart to think that this man is so wounded  because of the lack of love shown to him...yet someone must have stopped in the end? I hope so...

Planting

Eric & I have been outside this morning - weeding, hanging up washing (so it must be going to rain) & planting a seed mix near the back door. We got all green. D is very much a "aussie natives" kind of guy so most of our garden is natives, however one little corner up the back is "mine" so it's Bonnie's fairy garden. There's an ugly bottle brush in it which I'd LOVE to get taken out. Anyway, a friend was saying the other day that she has moved & has lovely plants she has dreamt of having her whole life (she's 70) & said she's growing a lovely English cottage garden. I thought - gee, I love cottage gardens, I should plant something for me too...before I'm 70! So I've put lots of lovely mulched soil into my pots & some "worm wee" & a seed mix...if it doesn't grow then I'll buy small plants to re-pot. Anyway, that was fun to do with Eric. Unfortunately I have much to learn about gardening. We just spent 10 mins weeding together...it's never ending. How nice Dad's garden was - HOW did he keep all those weeds out? I guess he used to weed more than I do...

Are there any books for gardeners with "Black Thumbs"??

Correction...

After describing Eric as a jumping smashing breaking 4 year old I feel like I should just correct that today, as I took him to the same shop that Bonnie was in on Sat - she fell in love with a little scented soft Puppy Dog toy so I thought I would sneak back there asap to buy it. Eric is going to give it to her for Christmas. Hey big spender - it was only $4.95 so I thought that was pretty cool...but what really shocked me was how great Eric was. He didn't run all over the shop & warned me when I was about to trip on a skateboard. Now THAT would have been memorable!! Anyway, this shop is full of JUNK, but it's cheap stuff - great ribbons, paper, boxes, stickers, & all manner of things...most of the shop is decked out for Christmas of course so Eric LOVED looking at all the blow up Snowman & the flashing lights dispayed - he was just as sweet as Miss Bonnie & he didn't touch anything much unless he checked with me first. What a gem. He is growing up so fast. 

Then he came shopping to another place with me to laybuy a few small things for cousins etc. He was very good - no whining "I want this, I want that" & was quite satisfied with a Tic Tac when we put the trolley away. Perhaps some of those lessons are starting to pay off...I thought I'd be about 80 before they "got it"? He was even satisfied in sitting in one of those machines that takes your money & then rocks & wiggles & scares the kids outside a shop. He sat on the car & pretended it was working because I told him I didn't have any money left AND I don't like putting money in them anyway...he is a character that little man! This little bub in the photo is LONG GONE....

Frazzled Shopping Mum

Just back from a budget shop with Bonnie. People were in such a rush, we were getting mown down by trolleys...do I really move that slow, or has everyone else picked up their pace since I was out last. I went through a big gift shop & Bonnie was so delighted by all the ornaments & decorations. It was lovely to be there with a 7 year old for a change, & not a jumping breaking smashing hiding 4 year old. She certainly has come a long way...it was so lovely to be out with her...There is a day coming up when Eric will be at Preschool & Bonnie has finished school & we are planning a "Bonnie & Mummy Day". So lovely to be out with my daughter today. Even though she broke the shoes & crown off the brand new fairy I bought her as we - brace yourself, yes, we ate JUNK FOOD - went to Maccas for lunch because we were starving & the local sandwich bar was packing up...

Anyway, the food is packed away, the car is in the garage, the kids have eaten, the jug has boiled & I am about to have a cuppa & put my feet up on the lounge before the next fight breaks out...

Keep Calm & Carry On...

from the very hip SFGIRLBYBAY!!

How I would love to buy one of these posters...

It's on my wish list...

Lazy lazy day....

Well, it's a miserable cold wet day here. Lovely to be snuggled up indoors. There are things I should be doing of course - laundry, chores, cleaning, making appointments, but I just want to go back to bed with a hot cup of coffee & a good book. 

We are in the process of borrowing the series Band of Brothers from Quick Flix. Just amazing to think anyone made it out of WW2 & survived that horror? So proud of my family members who were involved...  although they tried to make the series as realistic as possible I don't think it can really convey the horror of what it must have been like?

Poor D working from home today. I think the dramas from this term have really taken a toll on him...I'm seeing him going backwards...it's so hard. I wish things were different, but...can't do anything much about it all now. Might have to start looking for p/t work for next year. Big sighs of frustration...finally get Eric off to 3 days of Prep & I'm going to have to go to work!!??

And how cute is this kids room??

Friday Fun!!!

I just LOVE rainbows & all things BRIGHT!!!!! 

I saw this room in Apartment Therapy. There's always a room there to make me smile...despite the fact MY STOVE BROKE TODAY...ahhhhh. This makes me happy. (The pictures, NOT the crappo stove.)

Just been sitting watching Persuasion again - by Austen - with a bowl of popcorn. When it was on TV I had to skip through most of it. I

 love Friday. Bonnie's at school, Eric's at Preschool...Mummy can do some cho

res then put her feet up for some MUMMY TIME...YIPPEE!!!!!!!

What's up Doc?

Just back from the gym & the shops, mind buzzing with many ideas & jumbled thoughts about things to do etc.

Thinking of Kerrie up in a QLD hospital, thinking about poor D with the flu, thinking about how great Medicare was, thinking about how disorganised I am for Christmas this year & wondering what I can do about that...that doesn't involve crawling into a hole & giving up! Thinking about Eric going to Prep Orientation tomorrow. Thinking about school & how this term has managed to suck D dry - emotionally & mentally & now physically. How everybody just thinks he's pulling back because he needs the rest, (only very partly true) yet the people around him haven't made this term easy for him at all....sigh sigh sigh.

Thinking thinking thinking...

Want to get started on my Christmas parcel for "someone" connected to the Sew Liberated site, but I don't know who that is yet...waiting waiting waiting...

Off for a cuppa & to grab my Library bag, just full of freshly borrowed books - JOY!!!!!!

USA

Wow...there is a new President in America today. Barack Obama. My kids & I sat watching the news while I tried to explain that this was history in the making...I even got teary during his speech...it will be interesting to see what lies ahead. There are huge expectations & a huge load on his shoulders. I hope he is able to help America...

Weary weary weary...

These last few weeks have been so stressful & draining - for all involved. 

There's been a lot going on in our lives here regarding D's work...

I don't even want to write about it, because I'm all "talked out". 

Just feeling very disappointed & sad about how these weeks have played out...

Big sighs here...

I haven't been able to get to the gym for about 2 weeks now, so that is making me feel bad too. 

Life really is full of these ups & downs. 

I have to get ready to visit my Lupus specialist...although with all of this going on, I forgot to have my tests, so I don't know if it's worth me even going to see him? I'll have to find out. Yesterday I was so mentally & physically exhausted that I got up, go the kids breakfast & fell back into bed. I kept Bonnie home because I just couldn't face taking her to school. That sounds ridiculous I know. Both of us - D & I - were just so exhausted that we had a self indulgent day, or rather a "crash" day...

What a cheery post!?

This Friday is a big school concert called "For One Night Only" that started when I was a music teacher there. D is going to play in an item or two, & Bonnie wants to go. Although she never wants to be on the stage she told me...hee hee. I don't think I will go because Eric won't sit still, then he'll just want to go to bed. 4 is a little young perhaps?

Next week he has his Prep orientation day. He is so excited!!

Well, I'd better get up & going. 

I am really enjoying reading Rise by Ingrid Poulson...perhaps when I get a chance I could write a whole post about that book?  

In the meantime, I'm off in my surreal world that I can't really talk about...gotta love work politics...

Tagged...

My goodness, I haven't even caught up with the last time I was tagged Kerrie...

OK. Things that make me happy? If you'd asked me a few days ago I would have burst into tears, but today I think I can jot down a few things...

* snuggles in the big queen bed with D, Bon & Ric

* snuggles in the big queen bed without Bon & Ric

* food on the table & peace in the house

* this computer & time to ramble on with my jumbled thoughts for all & sundry to find & read if they so desire!

* laughter

* health & freedom

* sketching

*good books

* good food

* good wine

* deep friendships

* prayer & meditation

* music

* the smell of fresh baking bread

* writing out important birthdays & dates in next years calendar 

* a tidy house...ahhhh, very rare but lovely

* freshly mown grass

* the children giggling

* the time before bed when I read books to the kids & ask them their thoughts on different things

* playing an old piece I've studied on the piano when no one is around....another very rare but lovely thing

* healing a rift in a friendship

* learning new things

* books with images of interesting rooms & styles

* Blogging

* my local Library

* my collage above my desk in our bedroom, with all my hopes & dreams in picture form there to remind me to keep striving & moving forward towards those things

* consolidating my jumbled thoughts in a journal from time to time - yes, with pen & paper...how quaint & OLD. Hee hee

* talking to God makes me very happy

Some things......

Something to make me smile on a Friday!! How cool is this dinning room. I reckon it would make a great boardroom...so cheery...

Something NOT making me smile is a sore throat accompanied by snot. 

Something making me smile is Bonnie going on an excursion to Vaucluse House to learn about "how we used to live". 

Something else making me smile is that Eric is off to Preschool today, allowing me to get to a haircut.

Something NOT making me smile is "The Kite Runner" which I watched while D was out at an important meeting last night. I sat there in tears, frustrated at the sin & injustice in the world...I went to bed desperately trying to forget some of the sad images & erase them from my mind...

Something making me smile is getting Eric's Prep Letter from school inviting us to orientation day. We are very excited about that. 

Something NOT making me smile is Facebook & the amount of time it tries to suck out of me...

Tuesday Schmoozeday!!

Just thought this picture was so kooky!

Or perhaps it's just the side effects of the osteo drugs kicking in?

I am going to try to get to the gym today...there's a lot going on in my mind, in my heart, with my family, & I think I NEED to go & get some exercise...even though I don't FEEL like going. I'll have to call up to see if there's any spare places in creche of course. What a luxury it must be for people that have parents or family just around the corner etc. Babysitting on demand? I always look at mothers & daughters & granddaughters out shopping together & long to say "HEY, do you realise how precious it is to have each other - appreciate it while you can because mothers do die & you will miss this so much!" But of course people would probably think I was a total nutter so I don't! But sometimes I feel a little jealous...

Tonight I plan to go out (dim chord on the organ - da daaaah) - if I can drag myself there - to a coffee & dessert night up at my church with some inspiring speakers & some good food. I hope that I can encourage some other people & in turn be encouraged? It all depends on how organised I am this afternoon I know. David isn't really in a position to help much at the moment...so it's pretty full on. Anyway, I think my soul needs some feeding, so it will be good to get to that...

Here's a lovely quote from a little book that arrived yesterday. (Bless you Kerrie, I needed that!)

"Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy;

They are the charming gardeners who makes our souls blossom."

 ~ Marcel Proust

Slow down you move too fast...

You've got to make the morning last,  just...kickin' down the cobble stones, lookin' for fun & feelin' groovy...yeah baby...

Much has been happening since that last FORLORN post. Lots happening for David - in fact so much it's making my head spin...I'm trying to process it all at the moment...

Eric at Preschool today & Bonnie is home with a fever having a TV day...so much for my plans for today, but that's what being a mum is all about right? 

Bonnie had her first "real" piano lesson yesterday at Oatley - the suburb I grew up in. David & I could teach her of course, but it was never regular when we'd sit together & fiddle & I decided to bite the bullet & ask a piano teacher that I trust to teach her. (It's a dear old friend's Mum who I used to go & observe teaching when I was doing music teacher training!)

I have to change the kids linen...uggg. I just want to fall back into bed. I sat up talking to David past midnight & then couldn't sleep until about 2am last night...zzzzzz....is anything I'm typing making sense....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I think I'll go listen to some 60's music...

Feelin' kinda flat today

It started so well...then D sent an SMS from the Drs. He's lost MORE weight & has bone thinning...I feel like a failure as a cook. How do I fatten him up some more...I feel so weary with cooking & cleaning...& it's making not a scrap of difference that I'm trying so hard...big flat disheartened sigh here....

Listening to...

What is it about Joni Mitchell music that can make you feel so wistful?

Quotes

"No matter how crazy things get or how stressed you feel, you know in your heart how fortunate you are to be given the precious, priceless treasure of children. I encourage you then to see this job of parenting as noble, as a privilege with which you've been entrusted and to take from that responsibility a feeling of meaning and significance."

p.14 Dr Phil McGraw Family First

"Living with unresolved grief is like keep a pot of boiling water bubbling  on a stove. You can try to keep the lid on but eventually the pot will boil over. In this state, your emotions are likely to remain turbulent, your relationships off balance, your behaviour anxious, erratic & tending toward anger, your mind distracted, & your health prone to stress-related conditions, such as high blood pressure.

Lasting healing can only occur when you can look plainly at the causes of your pain, deal with it as a reality, experience it fully & let it go. Often, this means shedding tears. It is a process that takes time to complete. It can't be rushed. It is as individual as you are. There is no formula for how many weeks, months, or years it will take, nor how many tears will be shed or hours of thought consumed along the way. And you may despair as you re-experience feelings of loss many times over before you feel ready to move on with life. 

Three good practical ways I have used to commence the process of releasing grief are talking, thinking & writing...remember to be gentle on yourself...set your own pace..."

p.  Brian Babington, Bouncing Back

These are some books I am reading at the moment. (Our local Library has the most amazing collection of books!)

Banana & Caramel Custard Cake!

I decided to make this cake this afternoon...why in 35 degree heat I thought using the oven would be good I'm not sure...I think the smell of the bananas getting too ripe tempted me...& this picture that I've kept in my kitchen, walking past it every day? Thanks to Kerrie for the heads-up on this recipe. It was pretty yummy for afternoon tea...

Hippity Hooray for Holidays...

I've had a very short temper with the poor kids (PMT), but am so thrilled that we don't have to do the 7:40am rush to the bus or the iron iron iron of the uniforms etc for 2 whole weeks. We are going have some lovely family time hanging out...gardening, eating, cooking. The kids put on a weird sort of play for us yesterday...not sure what it was about...but all good fun. 

Hip Hip Hooray...

The photo below is of my lovely Mummy at the house I  remember growing up in! Before this we lived in a unit that I can't remember as a baby. I know Mum was terrified I would climb over the balcony & fall to the ground so we moved...now I understand her fear! When I was in about Yr 8 we moved to another house, but this is the one I remember...I have the matching photo - one with me as a toddler running around her -  in a collage above my desk. (A collage that I made at the Quest for Life conference, full of things that inspire me, "fluff me up", things I want to achieve, things that are important, things that I love)...I'd love to give Mum just one more hug. Life is so very precious. To lose those we love so very hard...Mum would have just turned 78 if she were still alive. Oh Mum, you'd love your grandkids, they so remind me of you & Dad sometimes. Eric seems to have quirks of Dad's & Bonnie is a shy little artist - just like you thought I was Mum!! 

Anyway, I'm hoping to make some memories these holidays that my kids might Blog about one day?

THE LETER OF THE DAY...

Part One:

The Letter P

Sesame Street has A LOT to answer for. 

Today Eric came out into the kitchen & told me that the letter of the day was P. 

I smiled & said "That's lovely darling!"

Then he told me that the word POO starts with the letter P.

"Yes sweetie, that is correct." Rolling my eyes!!

I have birthed an evil genius. If only I can channel his talents to good...

I also suggested that was perhaps something not to share at Prep next year...

This morning Bonnie was asking me how babies were made...oi vey...she's only 7. 

Some days are just like this...unfortunately they don't tell you about this in the "baby books"!

Part Two:

Brotherly love

Yesterday the kids were playing outside & I had come in to check on sick husband flat out in bed with horrific back pain. Miss B came running in "Mum, something just bit me on the hand." 

I'm thinking - ant, bee, redback spider... 

WHAT? WHAT BIT YOU, SHOW ME QUICKLY...

I get outside & there is a poor little skink lizard laying dazed/concussed on the ground having been pounded by Eric the Brave, trying to protect his sister from the biting monster...

I said "Bonnie, lizards don't just BITE people, what were you doing?"

"Er, nuuuttthhhinnggg..." 

Yeah right...

Poor little creature, set upon by my children...

I had to laugh though...at my fear, & at Eric sticking up for his sister...

Sigh. Before I had kids I thought I would be an excellent mum. Now that I'm a mum I realise how little I know. 

Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish I had the wisdom of my parents to still draw on...

Today is one of those days I really miss them. 

Post Reunion

 Well, I feel like I am still recovering after the reunion. I didn't get home until the wee hours of the morning - that in itself is very very rare for me unless someone here is sick - & I have to say it was wonderful to see all those faces 20 years down the track...yet it is surreal to summarise "life" in a few short minutes. A friend was worried about me & asked how I would go talking about David & his illness so many times, but I actually just chose not to go through it with some people...what was more distressing was discussing CHILDREN. An old friend works in a NICU for newborn babies & spoke about how to watch families lose their babies has been so hard for her over the years & how she struggles in this line of work...And it was one of those events where people mingle & wander in & out of others conversations...I started to try to mention some of what I had been through with children, & after a few attempts I decided that it was just too hard to start being too detailed about anything. I was brief! Someone from our year died of cancer, others had not married or had children & I am guessing that many have probably lost children - statistically. In spite of this - & the fact that I have lost my confidence in big social gatherings despite having spoken to many many people over the years & run big music events - I did have a wonderful time, but found some discussions very very hard. There is something amazing about seeing everyone so "grown up" & more sure of themselves - moving into our 40s. Wow!! It was hillarious seeing the old photos of everyone in their 80s gear. Glad I scanned lots of pics as my contribution. 

I feel a loss for the friendships that have disappeared over the years. I was so sad that two old friends in particular were either hard to find or didn't respond to any emails/correspondence...perhaps I'm a little hurt about the loss of that season of friendship? Sigh...yet friendship is a two way street I know. I have been just as hopeless with keeping in touch with people over the years.  Anyway, all those who were there enjoyed themselves I think!! 

David is very stressed at the moment. We ponder our future. It's hard when there are bills to pay etc. It's hard to make big decisions without hindsight. I spin between positivity to anxiety...perhaps I need to go & take up a job somewhere to ease the financial stress?? Perhaps more money isn't the solution but a seachange somewhere? I just feel like I have put down my roots here & all this change & heartache is so very hard...I can only do a day at a time though....

Friday STYLE...

No, not apartment therapy, but mum & dad's first house. Dad made that little kidney shaped coffee table. How cool were they. Very 50's!!!! I'll have to go & find this house - it's about 30 mins from where I live now I think...

Tomorrow is the 20 year reunion. I'm off to a fete in the morning with the kiddies. They can take some pocket money & find some goodies. I've just spend over an hour at the shops & I've only found HALF an outfit to wear tomorrow night. A lovely sparkley silver & black hippy top...but sadly I couldn't find any black shoes OR black pants to fit. Everyone always wants to lose weight but OH it's not easy sometimes being underweight & trying to find things to make you look lovely...I found a padded bra that makes me look like I have a bust again - YIPPEE. Sadly after the last session of breast feeding they shrivelled up into nothing. I'm hardly even an "A" cup now...honestly...oh for some WEIGHT on me...

I met up with the exercise physiologist too. I haven't finished the program yet so we couldn't do the testing, but it was good to chat to her. I might be able to get membership a little cheaper than normal because of the GP program. Anyway, I'll try to do 2 sessions next week...

The lovely SUN is out today & tomorrow is meant to be even HOTTER. Oh how I love the Spring...

Hip Hip Hooray for FRIDAY!!

This is my "brave big boy" at Preschool photo day...

I'm so glad he's in my life. Behind that gentle smile is a cheeky monkey waiting to BURST forth!!!!!! He brings us all so much joy. I sent this pic to my family today so of course I had to post it here for my Blog friends...

Kicking back with more memories on a wet gloomy Saturday...

I don't know where or when this was. It's my mum & nan & the old family dog...it just looks like a happy picture. Something to make me smile on an otherwise cold wet day...& no, I don't know what's with the blue underlined writing...some technical glitch...

Another memory...

Little me with the crooked part & the blue eyes just like mum's & the little smile. I think I was in Year 3, 3G in fact at Mortdale Public School. Lots of freckles, lots of innocence & that wonderful way that children have to just enjoy each day - not too worried about tomorrow. I can't remember much about being in 3G. D remembers thousands of facts about his childhood - all his classmates names, his teachers & other more trivial bits of information. Unfortunately my brain just removes things that won't be of use...I think there's only so much room in there & so much has been discarded. They say we only use about 10% of our brain...well unfortunately I think I use even less sometimes!!

Anyway, back to 3G. We had a lovely male teacher that year. Mr Gow. He showed us how to make popcorn - which I'd never seen before!! He taught us how to use paints to make a beautiful washed watercolour sky. I chipped one of my front teeth on a chair one day in his class. The cap has recently fallen off when one of my children accidentally headbutted me in the mouth. I remember feeling so happy about being able to wear sandals in the summer, but used to hate people treading on my feet. I know my mum did this tie for me & I have never learnt to tie them for myself! (D will have to teach my son!) I remember being in an upstairs room & having to climb the stairs every day...there now, I do remember a few things about being in Year 3. It's amazing to think that my daughter is nearly this age, nearly in that grade...it still shocks me some days to realise I have a daughter! She is not me yet she has my genes in her, she has the Barry eyes, dimples & a quiet thoughtfulness & gentleness to her that is so reflective of me at that age. She has a love of all things artistic...I wonder what her thoughts will be about life in the 00's. I remember a little of life in the 70's. (I think this photo was taken 1979!) So many things seem so lovely looking back. Part of me loves to be an adult, but part of me longs to be this child again...

I had to include her two school pictures. This is Bonnie Maree in her 1R photo & her KT photo, summer & then winter uniform. The next generation. This is my wonderful daughter, so fragile, so full of wonder, so curious & yet cautious at times, intelligent, loving, quiet, loud, faithful, everlearning, always hungry. I am so grateful for the chance to be her mum...YOU GO GIRL! Grow up into the strong woman I know you can be!!! Be stronger, go further than me, be yourself, dare...you are amazing darling & you are very VERY loved!!!

Mum + one gawky teenager

Oh those painful teenage years. I'm reading a wonderful book at the moment about raising daughters. So much of it makes sense & I wish I'd known some of those things at the time. This is a rare photo of mum & I relaxing outside. Can't remember any background to this photo - I can't remember the day, or what we were doing, or what year it was taken...but it's lovely to look back on photos like these. 

I'm off to get a Monday morning cuppa as my body reacts to the strong osteo drugs I take on Sunday. 

AND...

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING. The sun is actually out & it's the start of the week. It was so cold over the weekend, we all snuggled up in bed - all four of us. Bring on the sun!!!!!!!!!!

Heather & Kevin...

Mum & Grandpa...

Mum on her wedding day of course, in a dress she designed herself. I wish I had more of her style!

Santa & Me in '74

This is posted especially for Kerrie...check out MY red shoes. It must have been a 60s/70s thing for little girls to have red shoes??

Another stroll down memory lane....

This is me getting my B.Mus.Ed - Bachelor of Music Education at New South Wales University. Cool hey! It was 1993 & boy I had a lot to learn! But I have to say I really loved teaching Music - LOVED IT. Once I'd found my feet a little more, knew what worked & what didn't, & knew myself a little better it was great.  I loved that "buzz" after a lesson went well & things flowed well. That awesome "together" feeling was just FANTASTIC. 

I enjoy teaching private piano students also, but there's nothing like being in a class where kids bounce ideas off each other. You can change a whole lesson & run with something from a student or follow a thought...it's really just incredible. I tried to be the sort of teacher that I respected in High School. I wasn't perfect but after a year or so I realised it was less about marks & administration, & all about relationships with students etc. Of course that sounds obvious, but I really grew to love so many of those kids & they were so supportive through all those hard times I went through with them. 

Anyway, I kind of like this shot. I feel grown up here. (These days I mostly wear tracky dacks & t-shirts so it's kinda cool to see me in 'professional' mode...) Hip Hip Hooray for teachers, they do an amazing job for not a huge amount of money & the hours...oh my GOODNESS, the hours I put in were mindblowing. The physical toll it took on my body was not always helpful. I worked for a short time in a state school & then worked in an independent Christian school for nearly 9 years. It was mostly a real joy. And to think I nearly didn't think about doing music. It was only that my piano teacher said "Have you thought about Music Education?" I didn't think I was good enough. She smiled & said "Of course you are, why don't you audition?" So I did...I actually had been planning to be a Librarian for the last 5 years when I did an about face & went into music...& if I hadn't I wouldn't have met David...sigh. It's almost one of those Sliding Doors situations, but of course I can't see what would have happened to me on "the other path". I can't imagine not marrying David. He has been such a rock for me through so much pain...I'm starting to ramble now aren't I? I should stop while this makes some sort of sense. mbf,dsgeotro;tuydgfjdsngkstuer;yuoy;s...zzzzz......

Pass It On...

Humbled Karin. Thank you...

I don't have time to explain the connection, or why I love them so much...so, without further ado, 

I am paying it forward - these are my four inspiring Blogs:

* Two Little Bird, Two Little Beasts

* Anna Maria Horner

* Notes From The Trenches

* sfgirlbybay

Sunday stroll down memory lane

My wonderful parents Heather & Kevin. This was them on a date. How stylish were they? (I have learnt to scan photos so now I'll be able to have some regular pics of things in here...soooo excited about that. I had to do some for the High School Reunion & it turned into a midnight scanning frenzy!!)

I have some great photos of mum & dad now ON THE COMPUTER. How I miss them. My SIL acknowledged the other day how hard it must be having kids without parents there...it made me teary that she 'understood' now that she has a daughter of her own. I love D's mum but I think as I grow older, towards my 40's & the age when Mum had me I really really miss them more, her especially. I think giving birth to children & not be able to tell your parents how much you appreciate all they did for you - because some things click into place when you have a child of your own - is so hard. (I realised how SELFISH I was, I realised how little I knew,I realised what an incredible journey having a child was & I wanted to ask more questions about my 'history' & me.) Dad died suddenly when I was 24, & Mum died in her sleep when I was 27. I'm so glad they were there to see me Graduate from Uni & Dad was able to walk me down the aisle, but there are so many little moments that I don't get to share. I don't want to sound like I'm whining...I am grateful I had them for so long. I hope David & I can be there for Bonnie & Eric for many years yet...because I know how sad it can be to go on your life journey & not get to share things with the people who raised you & love you unconditionally...

David & I were talking about backdating/starting another Blog with all the Leukaemia information & photos etc...that would be a mammoth job though. David thought that after his counselling session yesterday he would look on the internet for people that were also dealing with life after a BMT...he found Baldy's Blog (Adrian Sudbury) which we started looking at + the uTube video Blogs. Then we found this...

I was a bit of a teary mess after seeing some of that hospital footage - it brought back many memories of last year. But I was able to talk to D before we went to sleep last night about some hopes & even fears. I love that man...so desperately. Some people are so strong, so determined, so focused, endlessly positive & I reel off balance in the face of their strength sometimes. We live each day as well as we can, not knowing what is ahead, but trusting in Something & Someone bigger than ourselves...yet it's hard...it's so hard reading that cancer has claimed yet another life. Another one of our Quest for Life friends has died...you think I would not be shocked any more, but the reminder of the preciousness if life always makes me want to double my efforts to live well... 

Oh the 80's...

A friend (the one in blue) posted this photo today - she is organising our High School Reunion to be held next month...I am starting to get really excited about it all now...can't believe it was 20 years ago...check the PINK on my lips, eyes & around the front of my hairline. Not sure what I was thinking. My mum bought me the dress...& OH those LONG THICK TRESSES without any grey in there...well, I think I'm off to scan some pics so I can post some of HER on the school update area on Facebook so I get get my own back!!! So many memories...sigh...

Family Snap!

At the start of this year Eric's Preschool asked for a family photo to put on their "family wall"...this was the last snap of about 20 & this was the one that we decided was the best. There are lots of us wincing at the sun. How did we cope before digital cameras?  It was taken out the front of our house. It's always surreal in winter seeing us wearing summer things...I had to put it on the Blog of course!!! (It's also strange seeing Bonnie with her two front teeth still there...)

Friday Flu...

Eric home from Preschool today. We both have the flu so no gym today...

But I had to drag him into the freezing 11 degree outdoors to do some shopping. We bought some stickers & a "Mario Bag" which he loves. Got Bon a "Princess Peach" bag...(that's the Gameboy influence)

THIS is my new bag!! I've been enjoying Etsy & bought this lovely bag there...I feel very funky when I'm out shopping now! (Thanks Interrobang?!) Off to get some lunch for the snotty folk now...

Adding this little update at 4:41pm:

This morning a I was driving off for petrol with my son totally rugged up in his beanie & dressing gown, when I saw a lady trudging through the rain. Her car had run out of petrol. She was going to refuse a lift but I knew how awful it must be walking through that rain...she got teary & said she'd had a fight with her husband & eldest daughter that morning, rushed to take her son to school & then the car had run out of fuel...she went in to buy some petrol & I ran after her to give her a spare umbrella...she said thanks & I blew her a kiss. I wondered why I did that rather than say something like "I hope it works out" or "Pass it on" or something helpful...poor thing...now I've been wondering all day who she is, what her weekend will be like, if she got home OK...the people you run into are amazing. But that amazing desire to help another human being is so fascinating sometimes...something to ponder. 

Also today I watched a show about a family who gave birth to a small girl called "Hope" only to be told she would only live 6-12 months...I was so amazed by their clarity & wisdom & the beautiful way they spoke about how much she impacted their lives. Then - after taking measures not to - they fell pregnant again & this small boy (Gabriel) also had the same syndrome. I felt gutted to see their pain to think they went through it again...but their journey was absolutely amazing...I taped it I think so I must write down some of their comments...One of their close friends said how touched he was by Hope's life & death in particular, & that at the funeral he (or someone) spoke about how she had only lived 199 days, & their next words were about a Bible verse that asks God to help us number out days wisely...so he planted this beautiful tree in his backyard. He said every time he goes near it or mows around it he prays that he will live each day well & that his days would not be wasted, as he remembers how precious all of Hope's days were to her family. Oh I cried - this was just before picking Bon up from the bus stop - the big ugly cry that requires quite a clean-up...

D just sent an email about a Dutch guy that won Olympic Gold in a 10km race...a leukaemia survivor. **tears**

Friday Funday

Let me tell you what was GOING to happen today first. I was going to pop up to school to take pictures of Bonnie getting a merit award from the Principal :-) take Eric to Preschool, go to gym & then head off to see Mamma Mia!

...Bon went up to school with D early. Well, by the time we got in there she had already been given her award & shaken Dad's hand...so no wonderful photos that I so wanted last year. After the Assembly she rushed off to class with only a quick hug from us & D had to head off to work. Big sigh...so late for assembly which made us late for Preschool. I drove in the car yelling "Well WHAT was the point of THAT? WHAT a WASTE of PETROL!!!!" I was so disappointed & ashamed that I'd missed seeing my own daughter. We tried so hard to get there on time...I know she wouldn't care but I cared. I sat there with my camera totally BUMMED out. Then I had to turn around & be Mrs Smiley Principal's Wife when I just wanted to cry...

I got to Preschool late, BUT - & isn't life just wonderful sometimes when things like this line up - I bumped into the other mum whose husband has been battling cancer. It was so good to see her & talk statistics & hear that Charlie Teo was their specialist etc etc. Perhaps THAT was worth missing a photo this morning, to be able to love & encourage another person in their journey...

Then I headed off to gym & pounded that walk machine & all those other exercises...got rid of some frustrations...

We found out last night - this is a long story & one that I don't really want to Blog about at the moment - that we are in quite a bad place financially. Kevin would be shaking his head at me!! "Never a borrower or a lender be!" Well, I have my husband, I have two beautiful kids that I didn't think I would have, we own our house & we have lots of love. Sheesh, I'm typing on an old second hand computer but I have one...I am blessed beyond words. I tell that to myself when I feel overwhelmed about trying to psych up to work again...

Friday Funday...here's a room I like the look of from Apartment Therapy...

Chanting Boy

My son sat doing a very very hard puzzle this afternoon. I thought there was NO WAY he was going to complete it. Anyway, all of a sudden a little chant started up: "Don't give up Don't give up Keep trying Keep trying..." (I think it went something like that?) I realised that it was a song from a new show that he's been watching on ABC Kids. What a classic!! It's not the sort of show that would normally appeal to me so I normally wouldn't let him watch it...but it's quite quirky and...well...thumbs up from me that he remembered that song & was able to apply it to something hard that he was working on!

Now we're all frustrated because there were two pieces missing & there will be no rest until they are found!!

This sign appeals to me...

Found it on another great Blog...gotta love the USA!!

Prayer

Reading a profound book about prayer by an author called Philip Yancey. I borrowed it from a local library & am reading with a notebook nearby so I can write down quotes...

Friends

Found a pic of Bonnie with a little friend Jessamy in the year below her on the first day of school this year. So precious...

Aren't they beautiful!!!

As It Is In Heaven

Feeling quite emotional after seeing this movie. (Apart from the dreadful stereotype of the repressed depressed Minister...) 

There is something about singing in a choir - creating that wonderful sound together...

But what a heartbreaking movie...

I'm at home by myself today FULL OF THE FLU...AGAIN!!!! I wanted to get a haircut, go to the gym, shop - but here I am blowing my nose & drinking honey/lemon resting...not happy Jan...

Listening to the song that the soloist Gabriella sings - talk about gutwrenching, it's like she is singing her heart out, singing for her very life, singing with her broken soul. It's like a turning point in the film - to finally hear the choir sing. I can't listen to it without crying...

Things on Thursday

I found this link at appartment therapy of a family that takes a pic of each member on the same day each year - how amazing to see the growth of each person over time...that is just too cool!

And something about this lounge room makes me smile too. I don't think I've ever seen such HUGE lamps? That lounge just makes me want to climb on it & finish one of those glasses of wine & strum a few chords...

I just spent a while talking to a wonderful friend whose dear husband has been battling cancer & other health issues since 1995. I can be so honest with her & she is so amazing. Her love, her courage, her determination, her honesty & her faith in a good God is just wonderful. I always end our phone conversations feeling so very blessed!!! We spoke about the people who are OVERLY positive about everything, the people who are OVERLY negative, we spoke about the miraculous times when things go so well, the trudging along because you have to times, the insensitivity of some medical staff, the joy of a good diagnosis, keeping in touch with all the family...

Woke up this morning feeling like I have the flu again. Uggg. Better get some lunch & head up to school for Bon's p/t afternoon. Wonder what I'll find out?? I'll take some drugs first I think so I don't dribble snot all over the staff. 

D is having a checkup at hospital today. Busy busy busy...